John was dozing against a tree with his fishing rod in the water. His friend came by and looked at the line. “You don’t have any bait on the hook,” he said.
“It’s too much trouble to clean the fish if I caught one,” replied John.
His friend said, “John, you are the laziest man I know. What you need is a wife and a family.”
John opened his eyes and said, “Do you know where I can find a pregnant woman?”
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he. “I don't understand,” he inquired to Saint Peter. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”
“Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results,” Saint Peter explained. “Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”
“Well,” the minister had to admit, “sure, some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.”
“Exactly!” said Saint Peter. “When people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed!”
Professor: And now, Mr. Jones, what do you know about French syntax?
Student: I didn't know they had to pay any.
Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. One bird flies over and the other one swims through the puddle.
Which one gets to the worm first?
The one who swam, of course, because, "da oily boid gets da woim."