Best Jokes

Five Ways To Shake Up Thanksgiving

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.

3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.

5. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.

It used to be cool to have a Gold tooth, now its a cheap Bluetooth!!!

So a duck walks into a bar and asks the Bartender, "Got any gwapes?"

The bartender says, "No!".

The duck walks out, comes back the next day and asks the Bartender, "Got any gwapes?"

The bartender says, "No!".

The duck walks out, comes back the next day and asks the Bartender, "Got any gwapes?"

The bartender says, "No! And if you come back again I'll staple your beak to the bar".

The duck walks out, comes back the next day and asks the Bartender, "Got any staples?"

The bartender says, "No!".

"Got any gwapes"?

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are cute!”

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful,” it was now “cute.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”

Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”