Best Jokes

I've cut down on my drinking. I now have one large whiskey before I go to bed…

Last night, I went to bed six times!

I saw a bloke walking along carrying a door handle. I asked him why he had it.

He said, "Well, it gets me out of the house."

Boy: "This darn bug is bothering the heck out of me! Where’s that can of spray insecticide... Oh, here it is. GOTCHA! Oh wow, I never knew bugs had so much blood in them."

Girl: "You idiot, you used the can of red spray paint!"

I called my mother from the apartment. When she answered the phone, I could hear a noise behind her that sounded like a jet plane taking off. I asked, "Mother, what's that horrible noise?"

She replied, "It's the dishwasher.... your father fixed it."