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Walking home one night, this guy hears a, "Psst! Psst!-give me a hand with this pig would you?"
Looking into the shadows the guy sees his neighbor holding onto a restless and agitated pig. "What in the world are you planning to do with that?" he asks.
"I'm carrying it indoors and putting in the bath tub."
"Why do you wanna do a crazy thing like that?"
"Well, you see, it's my wife. She is one of those women who knows EVERYTHING! I tell her that the price of gas has shot up again...she says I know! I tell her there is more trouble in the East again...she says I know! I tell her Francis down the street is getting a divorce and she knows that, too.
Well, tomorrow morning, since she always gets up before me, I'll wait for her to come running to me screaming, 'THERE'S A PIG IN THE BATH! THERE'S A PIG IN BATH!'"
And I'll just turn to her and say, "Yeah, I know."
The ship was sinking and four sailors were able to get a lifeboat into the water and climb into it safely. As they relaxed, they decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before starting their journey to safety.
The cigarettes were dry but all their matches had become wet. They had no way to light their cigarettes. Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He threw away one cigarette overboard.
"What are you doing?" asked one of the other sailors.
"Don't worry, this will work," he began. "The lifeboat is a cigarette lighter now!"
"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy, the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."
"Good, what are we having for breakfast?" asked Dewey, the new husband.
"Toast and juice," Tracy replied.
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