Best Jokes

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the Summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon a construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."

"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."

"And that, my master, is fate?"

"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."

A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one. After a while the husband said, "Do you happen to remember your wedding vows from when we got married?"

His bride replied: "Yeah, yeah, whatever. I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."

One day little Tommy was walking with an older neighborhood kid named Billy Bob and he got curious.

“Billy Bob,” Tommy asked, “How come everyone calls you by your first name and your middle name instead of just Billy?”

“Well,” Billy Bob answered, “When I was little like you, I used to get in trouble a lot, and when I did my mom always called me by both names. I guess after a while, it just stuck.”

“Oh no!” Tommy cried. “I’d better straighten up then!”

“Why’s that?” Billy Bob asked.

“I don’t want to end up being called ‘you naughty kid’ for the rest of my life!”