Best Jokes

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love Granger, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"

The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Doreen was here."

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now."

Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

A senior citizen was showing off a new car he had bought to his grandson.

"Let's go for a spin," he told the youngster.

The old man pulled out of his driveway and placed his fingers above the top of the steering wheel, controlling it only with his thumbs pressed against the lower edge of the wheel.

"That's weird," the grandpa said, "I still don't hear anything."

"What are you talking about?" the grandson asked.

"The car salesman said I could hear lots of different kinds of music if I used a thumb drive."