Best Jokes

Two women met in heaven who were previous acquaintances on earth.

One said, "I can't believe you're here so soon what happened?"

She exclaimed, "I froze to death!"

The other said, "That's terrible how'd it happen?"

"Well I started shivering uncontrollably, fell asleep and here I am!" Then she asked how her friend died.

She exclaimed "I had a heart attack! I came home to find my husband sitting in his lazy chair and I just knew it was cheating on me so I ran around the house looking everywhere for another woman I looked in the basement looked in the attic look behind the shower curtain in the bathroom and I ran myself into a frenzy and collapsed of a heart attack.

Finally her friend replied "If you would have just look in the freezer we both still be alive!'.

The trend towards lower cost Health Maintenance Organizations has many Americans worried. Here are the "Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO"

1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure".
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace,".
4. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
5. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning,"
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park,"
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, you sissy."
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.
27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an over-sized 2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.

I went to the Doctor and told him I must have a sleep disorder.

He ask whys that? I said well I go to sleep at 10pm and wake at 6am.

Doc said well that's great what's wrong with that?

I said well my heads on the pillow when I go to sleep but when I wake my feet are on the pillows.

He thought for awhile then replied...

Set your alarm for 2am that way neither will be on the pillows.

I was a little taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlor, on the bottom of the receipt, after the bill, it read,

“Thank you. Please come again.”