Best Jokes

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high... She seemed surprised.

Being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air
Lingus​ flight from ​Dublin​, the lead flight attendant​ nervously made the
following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has
been a terrible mix-up... one minute prior to take-off, by our catering
service..., I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers
on board, and..., unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals... I
truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..., "Anyone who is
kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will
receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight.”

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later... "If anyone would like to
change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."

Customer: “Can I please get your name and position with the company?”

Employee: “This is Ryan, and I am sitting down.”

Mom: Why did you decide to study earthquakes?
Tom: I just cracked up!

Sammy: Why did you steal that broom?
Tammy: I flew off the handle!

Nan: Why did you knock over the Chinese Checkers?
Dan: I lost my marbles!

Jenny: Why did you chase that squirrel?
Lenny: I went nuts!

Jon: Why did you throw all those baseballs?
Ron: I pitched a fit!

Kay: Why did you burn the pancakes?
Jay: I flipped out!

Jerry: Why did you jump in the pool?
Terry: I went off the deep end!