Best Jokes
Favorite this joke While studying the occult, a teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?"
His response was, "My mother can."
The teacher replied, "Really?"
The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a talking bird. The owner takes him to a parrot and says, "This parrot is guaranteed to speak after a little training."
The man seems skeptical but buys the bird.
The next day, he calls the pet store and says, "I spent three hours trying to get this parrot to speak, but I can't get a single word out of it."
The owner says, "Don't worry, sometimes their beaks are a little too long. Just file a little bit off of the tip. Just don't file too much or you could kill him."
The next day the man brings the parrot back to the pet store -- dead at the bottom of the cage. The owner sees that and says, "I told you not to file too much of his beak!"
And the mans says, "I didn't get a chance to file anything. He died right after I put him in the vise!"
A woman goes into an ice cream shop and asks for two quarts chocolate ice cream.
The counter man says, "I'm sorry, but we're out of chocolate."
So the woman says, "OK, give me a quart of vanilla and a quart of chocolate."
The counter man, a bit exasperated, said, "Ma'am, we're out of chocolate."
So the woman says, "OK, give me a quart of vanilla, a pint of strawberry, and a pint of chocolate."
The counter man, now furious, says, "Ma'am, how do you pronounce the V-A-N in 'vanilla'?"
The woman says, "Van."
The counter man says, "Good. And how do you pronounce the S-T-R-A-W in 'strawberry'?"
The woman says, "Straw."
And the man says, "Great. And how do you pronounce the F-R-E-A-K in 'chocolate'?"
The woman, puzzled, says, "There's no 'freak' in 'chocolate'."
And the man shouts, "That's what I'm saying -- there's no freakin' chocolate!"
I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort.
"Sorry," I replied, "but I've been incapacitated."
Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer.
I interrupted and said, "Listen to me. I'm incapacitated. Do you know what that means?"
She hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?"
Free Daily Joke