Best Jokes

Right now I'm off to grow some facial hair...

Must dash!

At Sunday dinner I told my wife and my son a joke. They didn't laugh. They said I was not funny. So, the next week I took two pieces of paper and wrote "Humor" on the paper. I then found a scented candle my wife likes and taped one piece of paper to it.

I also took the glass jar where she puts her pennies, dimes, nickels and quarters and taped the other piece of paper. I put them both on the table. When my wife saw them, pointing to the candle she asked, "What's this?"

I said, "This is your Scent of Humor."

She then pointed to the glass jar with all the coins in it, "And what's this?"

My reply: "This is your Cents of Humor."

Car owner: "Were you able to get my car started?"

Mechanic: "I'm afraid not, sir, the battery's flat."

Car owner: "What shape is it supposed to be?"

Two Squirrel monkeys opened a boxing gym but after a month they had no customers. One day a Silver Back Gorilla came through the front door.

Completely frightened out of their wits the first squirrel monkey blurted out, "You're in the wrong gym big fella; the sumo wrestling gym is down the street on your left."

The Silver Back thanked them, turned and started to heading that way. The second Squirrel Monkey said to the first one, "There isn't a sumo wrestling gym down the street. All he'll find is old Joe's vegetable stand."

"Poor old Joe replies," the first one.

A few minutes later the Gorilla returns. "I'd like to thank you two. Old Joe told me the sumo gym will open next Monday. I was especially happy when he said you guys are the managers."