Best Jokes

A small boy is sent to bed by his mother. Five minutes later, "Mom."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later] "Mom."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can I please have a glass of water?"

"I told you no! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!"

[Five minutes later] "Mom!"

"WHAT?!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"

If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say...

"Purrfection cannot be improved."

"If you don't like my attitude, you should see my cat."

"Menopaws, This is the hottest I've been in years."

"Take my advice. I'm not using it."

"I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"

"Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know."

"Dogs have owners. Cats have staff."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. They have never forgotten this."

I'm really ticked that my handmade replica of the Norse god of thunder didn't win top prize at the Medieval Art and Statue Convention.

I guess that makes me a Thor loser.

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.

"That is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"Not really," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."