Best Jokes

Growing up, I was really jealous of my best friend. His grandmother lived in a two story house which he went over to visit quite often.

My grandmother lived in a one story house.

The only story I ever heard was "The Little Engine That Could", OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

A homeowner in the former USSR puts a call in to the plumber to request an appointment to get his toilet fixed. The plumber says hold while he looks it up in his appointment book.

Plumber: Okay, I can be by you on a Wednesday, in 3 years, 7 months, and five days from now.

Customer: Will that be morning or evening?

Plumber: Why do you ask?

Customer: Because the electrician is coming in the morning.

Two women were talking on the phone. "Gilda, I just saw an ad on TV advertising a new weight loss program. It's called 'Your Chance to be Slim'."

"I heard about 'Your Chance to be Slim', Olga, and I know some people who tried it," replied Gilda.

"And how did go for them?"

"Not good."

"So what do you think the prognosis is of ME losing weight on this diet?"

"Slim chance."

A first grade teacher collected old, well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. Here are the results:

* Better be safe than ... Punch a 5th Grader.

* It's always darkest before ... Daylight saving time.

* You can lead a horse to water, but ... How?

* You can't teach an old dog ... Math.

* Love all, trust ... Me.

* The pen is mightier than the ... Pigs.

* You get out of something what you ... See pictured on the box.

* When the blind leadeth the blind ... Get out of the way.

* There is no fool like ... Aunt Eddie.