Best Jokes

Two magnets were having a conversation. "I went on a blind date yesterday"

"Oh really…how did it go?"

"Unfortunately, not so well."

"Why not?"

"There was no attraction."

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

Bingo and Bango were two of Santa's elves assigned to make cheese for Christmas food baskets. However, they got into a slight argument about who was to do what.

"I know how to make cheese, Santa," said Bango. "The thickened curds and gelatinized whey separate from coagulated milk. We then press the mixture and allow it to ripen and cure. Voila, cheese!"

"There's a lot more to it than that," said Bingo. "I don't think you're experienced enough."

"Can't I just thicken the curds to help make the cheese?" begged Bango.

"All right, Bango," conceded Santa. "I'll let you thicken the curds, but Bingo gels all the whey!"

So I didn't appear to be a loser, I concocted a story to tell my friends, about my having a girlfriend who lets me put lipstick and rouge on her.

In other words, not only did I make her up, I MADE her up!