Best Jokes

My parrot was looking quite lonely in the cage all by himself. So, I thought it would be a nice gesture on my part to get him a larger cage and introduce him to a new friend to keep him company, a pet duck.

Of course, I had to ask him first, "Polly want a quacker?"

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

A small boy is sent to bed by his mother. Five minutes later, "Mom."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later] "Mom."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can I please have a glass of water?"

"I told you no! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!"

[Five minutes later] "Mom!"

"WHAT?!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"

If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say...

"Purrfection cannot be improved."

"If you don't like my attitude, you should see my cat."

"Menopaws, This is the hottest I've been in years."

"Take my advice. I'm not using it."

"I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"

"Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know."

"Dogs have owners. Cats have staff."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. They have never forgotten this."