Best Jokes

My son wanted a proper drum kit for his birthday but I got him a miniature one.

I'm now expecting wee percussions.

Halfway between New York City and Washington DC the train's engine fell silent.

"I've got good news and bad news," the conductor announced. "The bad news is that we lost power."

The passengers groaned.

"The good news," he added, "is we weren't cruising at 30,000 feet."

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from a foreign country. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."

"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"

"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?

A magician was working on a Caribbean cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the show every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.

This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"