Best Jokes

Jim was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number. "What kind of car was he driving?" he asked.

"I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."

At that, Jim decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.

It worked. About a week later she came in the house with a pleased expression on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"

Wife: Are you having another sleepless night?!?

Husband: Yeah! I’m so darn angry, I’ve got insomnia again.

Wife: What’s eating you tonight?

Husband: It's that damn boss of mine! He gets me so boiling mad! He keeps bugging me all day long! Hounding me! Hounding me!! Then, when comes time to go to bed, I’m so full of “I should’ve said—!” that I can’t get any shut-eye!

Wife: What’s he got against you anyway?

Husband: He says I keep falling asleep on the job.

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year...and you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "Didn't I mention? We deliver anywhere..."

Life is like a helicopter.

I don't know how to operate a helicopter.