One morning, in basic training, the drill sergeant came out and said he needed a volunteer for KP duty in the mess hall. After a minute of silence he pointed to a recruit and said, "You Volunteered!"
Panicking, the recruit said, "I didn't volunteer..."
The drill sergeant looked at him and said, "Were you drafted?"
The drill sergeant smiled at him and said, "That's right! Therefore you volunteered."
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk behind off the merry-go-round!
John: What did the bug say to the windshield when he crashed into it?
Fred: I don't know. what?
John: That's me all over you! And do you know what the windshield said to the bug?
Fred: I don't know.
John: Bet you don't have the guts to do that again! Okay, do you know what was the last thing that went through the bugs mind when he hit the windshield?
Fred: No, but I bet it's good.
John: His rear end.
After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.
Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. That's me."