A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, "Talking Dog for Sale."
Intrigued, he walks in. "So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.
"I've led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"
The owner says, "Because he's a liar! He never did any of that!"
Two dog owners were boasting about the intelligence of their pets.
“The smartest dog I ever had,” said one, “was an amazing Afghan hound that could play cards. He was amazing at poker, he could beat anyone, even professionals. But I had to have him put down.”
“You had him put to sleep?” said the other. “You must be crazy. A bright dog like that could be worth a million dollars.”
“I had no choice. I caught him using marked cards.”
One day, the horse became very ill and he called the veterinarian, who said, "Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him to sleep."
Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation. The next day, the Vet gave him the medicine and left. The goat approached the horse and said, "Be strong, friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!"
On the second day, the doc again gave him the medicine and left. The goat came back and said, "Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three..."
The poor horse wouldn't get up. On the third day, the Vet gave one look at the horse and said, "Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses."
After they left, the goat approached the horse and said, "Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on...... Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!"
All of a sudden, the owner came back to the farm, saw the horse running on the field. Not aware of the goats role in this he began shouting, "It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a Grand celebration... LET'S COOK THE GOAT!"
Two boys walking along the fence passing the graveyard heard voices. The voices said, "One for me, One for you."
The boys who were truly petrified thinking that the voices were ghouls stealing bodies tried to walk slowly passed and not make any noise. All of a sudden one of the voices said, "Now lets get those two nuts by the fence & we will be done!"
The boys screamed and ran away as fast as they could. Just then one of the two squirrels looked at the other and asked, "I wonder what was wrong with them?"