Patient: Doctor I think I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this water.
Patient: Will this make me feel better?
Doctor: No, but I'll be able to see leaks and know where the vampire bit you.
A woman goes to the Doctor and tells him she feels like a deck of cards.
The Doctor says to the woman, "Please sit down and I'll deal with you later."
A patient sobs to his doctor, “I feel like a pair of curtains!”
Doctor replies, “Well pull yourself together man!”
Whoever said "Laughter is the best medicine", obviously didn't see my last doctor's bill!