I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 100?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
"Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, I've heard that all 'red meat' is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble or drive fast cars?"
"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why on earth do you want to live to be 100?"
Patient: "My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go shopping. Can you give me something for it?"
Doctor: "Try this medicine. If it doesn't work, come back to see me, and bring me a new video camera too."
A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child.
"Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?"
The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."
I once applied to a medical school but was declined.
The Dean said my handwriting was too legible.