Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.
My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.
I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"
With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, "Ma'am, he's not THAT sick!"
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack. "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 100?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
"Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, I've heard that all 'red meat' is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble or drive fast cars?"
"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why on earth do you want to live to be 100?"