Doctor: "Have you been drinking fluids?"
Patient: "Jeez, Doc, that's literally all I drink."
An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer...
"As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.'"
"If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be $50.'"
"If his eyes still don't flutter, you add ...'Each.'"
My doctor was giving me a hard time about my health. To get back on his good side I bought a puppy and named him 'Five Miles'.
That way, when I went to see my doctor I could tell him, "I walk five miles every morning!"
How is an optometrist like a good teacher?
They both make pupils grow!