doctor jokes

Node: Was aware of (past tense of Know)
Outpatient: Fainted
Pap smear: Fatherhood test
Pelvis: Cousin of Elvis
Prostate: Flat on your back
Protein: Favoring young people
Rectum: Dang near killed 'em
Seizure: Roman Emperor
Serology: Study of Knighthood
Tumor: An extra pair
Urine: Opposite of "you're out"
Varicose: Located near by

A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease.

“Nonsense,” scolded the doctor. “You wouldn’t know if you had that. With that particular disease there’s no discomfort of any kind.”

“Oh no!” gasped the patient. “Those are my symptoms exactly.”

USEFUL MEDICAL TERMS

Artery Study of Paintings
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria
Barium What to do when treatment fails
Bowels Letters like A, E, I, O, U
Cat scan Searching for kitty
Colic Sheep dog
Coma Punctuation mark
D & C Where Washington is
Enema Not a friend
Hangnail Coat hook
Impotent Distinguished; well known

A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will."

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."