family jokes

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake. "I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied. "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table and we started talking. He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them. With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family.

I said, "No, I also work, out of our home."

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.

"He was born at home," I answered.

The man looked at me and then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"

Suzanne was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?

She replied, "I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to." Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it."

A few weeks later, while visiting her grandmother, Suzanne asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"

Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."

A small boy is sent to bed by his mother. Five minutes later, "Mom."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later] "Mom."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can I please have a glass of water?"

"I told you no! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!"

[Five minutes later] "Mom!"

"WHAT?!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"