family jokes

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

"Mom, you said the baby had your eyes and Daddy's nose, didn't you?"

"Yes, darling."

"Well, you'd better keep an eye on him... he's got grandpa's teeth now.

I am not liking the man I have become...

It's not a good sign when I answer Dora before my toddler does.

The most dangerous part of parenting is when I'm barefoot and reenacting the shattered glass scene from Die Hard in a darkened room full of legos.