family jokes

Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slow, because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last people who stayed here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well: last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket. We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral, she will come up again.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jatinder fell in a whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled
down the window and swam to safety. The other drowned because they couldn't get the tail gate down.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love,
Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

In a kids bedroom:

3 year old: I can't sleep

Father: Why not?

3 year old: There are scary monsters under my bed.

Father: Scarier than your mother?

3 year old: "zzz"

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.

9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.

8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.

7. Eat until you're about to burst and then ride the Screamin' Hurler roller coaster.

6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with its tongue.

5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, "You da man!"

4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom's "personal things."

3. Give him Grandma's lime green Gremlin with personalized license plates that say, "TUFFGUY."

2. When the women of the house are gone, get out your secret 'Old Yeller' video and have a good cry together.

1. Shot put catching.