family jokes

A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of an extended visit of old Aunt Emma.
For seven long weeks she lived with them, always nagging, always demanding. Finally she decided to leave.

On the way back from driving her to the airport, the husband confessed to his wife, "Honey, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all this time."

His wife looked at him aghast. "MY Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was YOUR Aunt Emma!"

My collection of kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen.

The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a garage sale... it's a pooper-scooper.

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight," she said, happy that Sunday school education was having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom, how do you spell zilla?"

When I was a teenager, I worked as a bagger for the local supermarket. One of the rules there was baggers cannot accept tips when helping people bring groceries to their car. One day I was putting groceries in an old man's car. When he was finished he said, "Here young man. I want you to have a picture of your uncle George."

What it really was, was a dollar bill. Thinking quickly, I pocketed the 'picture'. I then asked him, "Have any pictures of my grandfathers Ulysses and/or Benjamin?"