family jokes

Sitting on the couch waiting for dinner, I thought I heard the wife ask which did I want for dinner, "beef, chicken or fish?"

Since it had been a while since I had any, I replied, "fish!"

Apparently that was the wrong answer. The reply I got was that I was getting "soup" as she was talking to the cat.

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following sequence of events takes place:

1. The woman goes to the market to buy the food.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off".

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

The first guy said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible.”

The second guy says, “That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God.”

“She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?”

“Every night at dinner time, she places a burnt offering before me.”

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?"

She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."