family jokes

I have had a really good grades since the first grade, my mother is always proud of me every time she sees my report card.

Good thing she doesn't know I always show her the same report card.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, brewing beer, watching TV. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

God made a man and then rested.

God made a woman and then no one rested.

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 6:30PM after work.

His wife screams at him while his friend sits and listens in.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the heck did you bring him home?"

Calmly the husband replies, "Because he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo."