Best Jokes

A lion was walking in the jungle and met two men. One is sitting on a rock reading a book and the other is working at a typewriter.

The lion ate only one. Which one and why?

He ate the man reading the book because everyone knows that reader's digest and writer's cramp.

A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"

Only one hand shot up.

"Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher.

"'Unlawful' is when you do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is an eagle that's sick."

Little Johnny's mother is making lunch when Johnny comes in from playing outside, covered in dirt.

"Johnny, you need to clean up for dinner," his mother says, looking at his left hand. "I've never seen a hand so filthy."

"Then you haven't seen this one," Johnny replies, holding up his right hand.

As a teenager I had a summer job pumping gas. One week an older guy drove up and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out of the car with an umbrella, opened it, and followed me around as I worked, holding the umbrella over my head to keep the sun off me. I awkwardly thanked him as he paid his tab and drove away.

A week later, he came back for a fill up. Again, he got out of the car with the umbrella and opened it, but this time he just stood there watching me work. I asked, “So you’re not gonna use that to keep the sun off me this time?” and he retorted, “Watch it, young man. Fuel me once, shade on you. Fuel me twice, shade on me!”