Wife: Why are you late?
Husband: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Wife: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Husband: No, I was standing on it.
While shopping in the produce department of the local grocery store, a demanding customer asked to have a watermelon cut in half.
I told the lady that we don't normally do this. After being pushed for about five minutes, I took the melon to the backroom and said to my co-worker John, "I need this cut in half so this mean lady can buy it."
I did not know that she had followed me to the backroom. I turned around and quickly said, "And this lady would like the other half!"
Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport.
She's getting a little up there. She's at the age where she doesn't remember things too well.
So, when I saw her, I said, "Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!"
Man: "Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?
Priest: "My son, do you mean a choir?"
Man: "Fine Father, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?"