Best Jokes

Remember when we cried as kids, our parents replied with, "I'll give you something to cry about!"

We just never thought that, instead of hitting us, they'd destroy the housing market, quadruple college tuition, and melt the polar ice caps.

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.

ME: *pulls into rest stop*

DAUGHTER: Thanks.

ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.

DAUGHTER: I will.

ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.

DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.

ME: Exactly.

What do you call a pan of wiggling cinnamon rolls?

Abundance!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.