Best Jokes

Husband: You brought home donuts. I thought we agreed, no sweets, while you were on your diet.

Wife: I know it but the Lord wanted me to have them.

Husband: How do you know the Lord wanted you to have them?

Wife: As I was approaching the donut shop I said to the Lord, "If it's your will for me to have donuts, let there be a parking space open right in front of the shop".

Husband: So I suppose there was an open parking space?

Wife: Absolutely! The eighth time around the block there it was.

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

A man had been in a meeting that lasted all afternoon and as he walked out, he was tired and just wanted to go home. He reached into his coat pocket and realized his car keys were missing. He looked around but could not find his keys. He went outside to look in the car and discovered his car was gone too.

His car had been stolen. So he called the police, they came and took a report, and then the man called his wife to see if she would be able to come pick him up. She answered the phone and he told her the upsetting news. "Honey, you’re not going to believe this but my car was stolen while I was in the meeting."

There was a long pause, "I dropped you off at your meeting today. I have the car!" she said.

"Oh, that's right! I can't believe I forgot that. I'm glad the car is okay. Well, will you still come back and pick me up?"

She said, "Yes, of course I will. As soon as I convince this cop the car is not stolen."

The crocodile walked into a trendy menswear store, approached the assistant and asked, "Do you have any shirts with pictures of people on the pocket?"