Best Jokes

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the man.

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."

"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application, "At least I'm not a quitter."

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.

The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything.

Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything.

The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born.

The couple goes home only to find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and asked them to write the rest.

As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You ... Mess It Up.

Better Be Safe Than ... Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The ... Bug Is Close.

It's Always Darkest Before ... Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate the Power of ... Termites.

You Can Lead a Horse to Water But ... How?

Don't Bite the Hand that ... Looks Dirty.

No News is ... Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As a ... Mr.

You Can't Teach an Old Dog New ... Math.

If You Lie Down With the Dogs, You'll ... Stink in the Morning.

Love All, Trust ... Me

The Pen is Mightier Than the ... Pigs.

An Idle Mind is ... The Best Way to Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There's ... Pollution.

Happy the Bride Who ... Gets All the Presents!

A Penny Saved is ... Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's ... The Musketeers.

None are so Blind as... Helen Keller.

A little girl won two goldfish at a fair. When the family arrived home, her mother asked her what she was going to call them.

“I think I’ll call them One and Two,” said the little girl.

“They’re unusual names for goldfish. Why have you chosen them?”

”Because if One dies, I’ll still have Two!”