Best Jokes

Last night I was relaxing on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen: "Oh sweetheart, what would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, darling. I think I'll have chicken."

She replied, "You're havin' a peanut butter sandwich. I was talkin' to the dog!"

A Judge sentences the same repeat offender to prison for life this time, because of a white collar crime that he was found guilty of by a jury. The man is greeted by the same Corrections Officer that he first met twenty years ago.

Guard: "Well, look who's back again! You just can't stay out of trouble, now can you?"

Inmate: "You need to be more appreciative and thankful for my return."

Guard: "Really now! And why is that?"

Inmate: "Because without people like me in this world, you'd be out of a job!"

Do not keep roasted peanuts in transparent jar, they disappear fast.

But if you keep roasted cashews in transparent jar next to peanut jar, the peanuts last longer.

However, if you add third element... let's say a nearby liquor bottle... then all will disappear in no time!

Husband: You brought home donuts. I thought we agreed, no sweets, while you were on your diet.

Wife: I know it but the Lord wanted me to have them.

Husband: How do you know the Lord wanted you to have them?

Wife: As I was approaching the donut shop I said to the Lord, "If it's your will for me to have donuts, let there be a parking space open right in front of the shop".

Husband: So I suppose there was an open parking space?

Wife: Absolutely! The eighth time around the block there it was.