A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."
"Yes," says the man.
"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."
"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application, "At least I'm not a quitter."
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born.
The couple goes home only to find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
A little girl won two goldfish at a fair. When the family arrived home, her mother asked her what she was going to call them.
“I think I’ll call them One and Two,” said the little girl.
“They’re unusual names for goldfish. Why have you chosen them?”
”Because if One dies, I’ll still have Two!”
Son to dad: "Dad, why don’t you buy me a car?"
Dad: "My dear son, God gave you two legs for what purpose?"
Son: "One leg is for the brake and the other for the accelerator."