The old definition of a split second is the time between the light turning green and when the driver behind you honks their horn.
The new definition of a split second is the time between when the commercial starts and your spouse says, "You have the remote!"
A man goes to a doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a very serious problem. I only hear half of everything.”
"That can’t be," answers the doctor. “Either you can hear everything or you hear nothing. Tell you what, Let us see. Repeat after me... Ninety Six.”
The man quickly replies, “Forty eight!”
One day a woman called an auto mechanic to inquire when he could work on her car. "I'm not busy now," he replied, "bring it right in."
A short time later the woman pulled into the service bay, stopping her small car perfectly over the wide, deep grease pit.
"Wow!" remarked Wayne. "That's great driving. Your wheels only have a couple of inches to spare on each side of the pit."
She looked blankly at him and asked, "What pit?"