Best Jokes

Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping. As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could go for lunch that Friday.

So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went to pick her up. As she settled into the car, her face dropped.

"Thanks a lot!" she sulked.

Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the turkey."

A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher.

"Are you a friend of the bride?" he asked.

"Certainly not," she snapped, "I'm the groom's mother."

A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”

“Really?” he says. “Have you tried a good mouthwash?”

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her math classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, little Morris raised his hand. The teacher called on Morris for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, little Morris answered, "A good lawyer."