Best Jokes

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress.

An artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.

A lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.

A computer scientist says; "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"

Two men are sitting in a restaurant bar at the top of a skyscraper. After each had a few drinks, one says to the other, ”I bet you didn’t know about the updrafts between these skyscrapers. They are so strong, you could jump and the wind will lift you right back where you started.”

The other guy said, “Nah, I find that hard to believe.”

The first said, “It’s true! I’ll prove it. Let’s go out to the balcony.”

They both walk to the balcony and the first guy jumps the rail. After a few seconds, a loud whooshing sound is heard and sure enough, the first guy lands back on the balcony.

The second guy just stares for a while, then looks over the side to see if there was a platform or net. “This has to be some kind of trick.”

The first guy says, “No really, it works!” To prove it, he once again jumps the rail and the same thing happens. “You try it!”

The second guy jumps over the rail and falls the many stories to the pavement below.

The first guy goes back in a sits at the bar.

The bartender walks over, delivers another drink and says, “Wow! You’re really mean when you get drunk, Superman!”

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?

Bob!

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the leaf pile?

Russell!

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the hot tub?

Stu!

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on the wall?

Art!

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of your door?

Matt!

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your mailbox?

Bill!

What do you call a man (or a woman) with no arms and no legs on the grill?

Frank (or Patty)!

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define 'great' he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.