Best Jokes

The teacher barks at Little Johnny, “Is that bubble gum in your mouth?"

Johnny nods.

"In the trash can! Right now!”

Little Johnny looks at the trash can, then back to the teacher, "With the bubble gum?"

Husband: For Pete’s sake, can’t you keep one lousy check book straight?!?

Wife: Now, hold it a darn second! I got myself a pocket computer and I meticulously added every deposit and subtracted every check! So I don’t believe you when you say I made a mistake!

Husband: Oh yeah? I’ll bet you money that you’re overdrawn!

Wife: Okay, how much do you want to bet?!?

Husband: Sixty-three dollars and twenty-seven cents!!

When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law)

A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny)

When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban)

Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance so sorry law)

When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny awaits law)

If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (law of gravitas)

Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein's law of persistence)

You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of dingaling)

If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of wasteland)

My wife is turning 32 soon and I told her not to get her hopes up... “After all, the celebration is only going to last half a minute.”

Confused, she asked, “What are you talking about?”

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”