Best Jokes

A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Buffy.

So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had two rolls leftover.

"Buffy," she said, "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got two leftover?"

"Yeah?" said Buffy, "That's funny, so did I!"

Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment."

"So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend.

"Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you, Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage would you ask if I was Polish?"

The clerk says, "No I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Halfords Clothing Store."

A little girl loses one of her baby teeth. That night, before bed, she puts it under her pillow for the Tooth Fairy.

The next day she wakes up, looks under the pillow, and the tooth is still there. She asks her mother why the Tooth Fairy didn’t come?

Instead of explaining the mother yells out to her husband, ”Bill, you forgot to put out the tooth fairy money, didn’t you?”