Best Jokes

In the aftermath of a recent hurricane a neighbor reported a man trying to break open an ATM in his back yard resulting in his arrest.

Judge: What do you have to say for yourself sir?

Defendant: The hurricane dropped the ATM in my back yard. The only reason I was trying to open it was to locate a serial number so I could find the owner?

Judge: What about the other five ATM’s the police found in your garage?

Defendant: Well, your honor, it’s been a bad hurricane season this year.

Me: My tire's making a whistling sound.

Mechanic: Sounds like a flat.

Me: More like an F sharp.

A knitting/crocheting group at a local senior center donated handmade hats and scarves to my office to give to folks in need over the holidays.

What made my day was their group name: The Senior Hookers!

For months, Leah had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Sadie.

"Cyril, Madame Sadie is a real gypsy and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them. Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Cyril, for only $30 you can talk to your Zaida who you miss so much."

Cyril could not resist and at the next seance, there was Cyril sitting under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side of him. All were humming.

Madame Sadie, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium Vashtri, who is that with you? Mr. Himmelfarb? Cyril's Zaida?"

Cyril swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grandpa? Zaida?"

"Ah, Cyril?" a thin voice quavered.

"Yes, yes," cried Cyril, "this is your Cyril, Zaida, are you happy in the other world?"

"Cyril, I am in bliss. I'm with your bubba. We laugh, we sing, we gaze upon the shining face of the Lord."

Cyril asks his Zaida many questions and his zaida answers each, until...

"So now, Cyril, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."

"Zaida," sighed Cyril, "when did you learn to speak English?"