Best Jokes

A guy went fishing with his friend and had to ask, "Where is that new rod and reel you had the last time we went fishing? I can't help but notice that you’re using a stick a string and a safety pin for a hook."

His friend replied, "My wife thinks I'm wasting money so I told her I’d take the new rod and reel back if I didn’t catch a fish... any more questions?"

"Yes, why didn’t you go to the market and buy a fish to take home? If you remember that's what I did last year so I could keep my fishing gear."

His friend answered, "I did, but I forgot to take it out of the package!"

Melissa went up to her college professor, ready to contest the grade she received in the class. "I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper?

After staring at her with a blank look, the professor responded. "Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation."

Little Johnny runs to his dad and says, "Dad, there's water in the carburetor of the car!"

"How can you be so sure?" the father asks.

"I just know there is," replies Little Johnny.

"Do you even know what a carburetor is?"

"No," says Little Johnny.

"OK, where is the car?"

"In the lake."

A 90 year old geezer married a very young filly and was telling his doctor that they were expecting a baby.

"Let me tell you a story," the doctor said. "There was an absent-minded fellow who went hunting one day, but instead of picking up a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly, while he was out in the woods, a bear charged him. He pointed his umbrella at the bear, shot and killed it on the spot.

"Not possible!" the old geezer exclaimed. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"Exactly!" the doctor replied.