Best Jokes

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Be more or less specific.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Contractions aren't necessary.

5. One should never generalize.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

8. Understatement is always best.

9. The passive voice is to be avoided.

10. Who needs rhetorical questions?

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don't never use a double negation.

13. Always pick on the correct idiom.

14. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

15. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The adverb always follows the verb.

18. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

19. Do not put statements in the negative form.

20. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

21. A writer must not shift your point of view.

22. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

23. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

24. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!

When I met my now wife, I asked if she was vegetarian because she really loved animals.

She responded, "No, I just really hate vegetables."

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.

Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

Theology is a game whose object is to bring rules into the subjective.

One of our projects at military leadership school called for us to speak in front of the class on a topic picked by our instructor.

A classmate gave an impassioned speech on the benefits of drinking liquor. Alcohol, he insisted, warded off colds, kept you alert, and even made you steadier on your feet.

"Good job," said our instructor when he finished. "Only one thing: Your topic was the benefits of drinking liquids, not liquor."