Best Jokes

My dad walked me down the aisle at my third wedding.

He said, “I keep giving you away... and they keep giving you back!”

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply...

"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."

Two astronauts were in a space ship circling high above the earth. One had to go on a space walk while the other stayed inside.

When the space walker tried to get back inside the space ship, he knocked on the cabin door. There was no answer.

He knocked again, louder this time. There was still no answer.

Finally he hammered at the door as hard as he could and heard a voice from inside the space ship saying, "Who's there?!?!"

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."