Best Jokes
Favorite this joke A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"A gnome," comes the reply. "I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?"
The cat replies, "Um, I guess I'm a gnome."
A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years. They had the following conversation:
Doctor: "Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water."
Woman: "Okay."
Doctor: "Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water."
Woman: "Okay."
Doctor: "Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water."
After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong with me, doctor?"
Doctor: "Yeah. You don't drink enough water."
The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.
"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.
"We burn it," was the answer.
"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?" asked my wife.
"Certainly not," said the clerk. "This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it's destroyed."
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When an eel bites your thigh and you bleed out and die, that’s a moray.
When you’re smashed with a jug in a South Auckland pub, that’s a Māori.
When you see a big boat tied up with a rope, that’s a mooring.
When you wake up and it’s bright because it’s no longer night, that’s the morning.
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