Hipsters hate rivers...
Too mainstream.
In an airport, a flight gets canceled because the captain wasn't there.
Someone says, "So give the captain's armband to someone else!"
Guest to the waiter: "Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?"
Waiter: "Sorry, sir, but I'm pretty sure she wants to eat it herself."
"You want us to do WHAT?"
- Ancient Chinese wall engineer.