A grocery store manager chased a shoplifter through dry goods and frozen foods before catching him with a flying tackle in cleaning supplies.
That's when the manager noticed that all of the customers in line at the cash registers were staring.
"Everything's fine, folks," he assured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express lane with more than ten items."
Ralph was towing his boat home from a fishing trip in Jamaica Bay when his car broke down. He didn't have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday."
A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location."
"I-95, two miles south of Cranston."
After a very long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?"
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free... You either married it or gave birth to it.