Latest Jokes

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the King!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

Q. What was Adam and Eve's address after they were thrown out the Garden of Eden?

A. 281 Apple

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight," she said, happy that Sunday school education was having an impact. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom, how do you spell zilla?"

I'm the life of the party ... even when it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home... before I get to where I am going.

I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid, etc.

I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because... I can't hear a word you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories ... over and over and over and over.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm so cared for: long term care, eye care, private care, dental care...

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians ...

I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy... and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...

I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.

I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies!

I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory...

I'm walking more to the bathroom and enjoying it less.

I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors... absolutely nothing!

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm supporting all movements now... by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.

I'm a walking storeroom of facts ... I've just lost the storeroom.

I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!!!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me...