Latest Jokes

Little Johnny’s teacher was grading student essays about actual family experiences. She came upon Little Johnny’s paper entitled, “The time my dad told me to jump out of the tree and he would catch me.”

Tearing up his teacher knew she’d been too hard on little Johnny for misbehaving and such. She felt terrible just knowing how hard his life must be. Not wanting to read each painful word she decided to give Little Johnny an 'A' without reading it.

Surprised to see an 'A', Johnny was quite puzzled. He thought to himself, "My teacher couldn’t have like the part when my dad caught me and told me that some people can be trusted. She must have liked the part where I stomped on his big toe and called him a wimp."

My neighbor was complaining about how bad she needed new tires and how much they cost. I told her to start putting her extra change in a jar with a label reading, "Re-TIRE-ment Fund".

Little Johnny's dad noticed the pet turtle was turning grey and was not going to live much longer. He tried to prepare the boy for the sad event. "Johnny your turtle is not looking so good and he might die. If he does you and I will make a little box for him, invite your friends over and have ice cream, cake, play games, and then bury the turtle under the big tree. Then we will go to the store and get a new turtle."

Dad was satisfied he had done his best and waited for Johnny's response. "Dad," said Johnny after a thoughtful moment, "let's kill it."

Three teenage boys were taking a short cut across a church lawn. In perfect view was a large sign which read: Stay off the Grass.

The caretaker yelled to the boys from the gardening shed, "Hey, can't you read?"

The boys paused, looked at each shrugging. Then one of them looked at the sign, still baffled. He cupped his hands over his mouth to form a loud speaker and yelled back, "So who's smoking?"